


Lost without you

by Nerd_alert19



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-18
Updated: 2019-07-21
Packaged: 2020-07-08 00:30:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19860583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nerd_alert19/pseuds/Nerd_alert19
Summary: Not a song fic but heard Freya Riding's "Lost without you" and this happened. Academy era AU silly fluff. Like...almost too fluffy...but necessary to survive the current season.





	1. Day One...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first day.... (that's all you get cause....spoilers and such)

She knew this would not be easy. He was her best friend, and she stood there on the train platform about to tell him goodbye for the next couple of months. When he mentioned the idea of spending the entire summer traveling, she thought it would be good for him to do something just because he wanted to. She knew he had been struggling since his mother’s passing a few months earlier and needed a distraction. He had spent his whole life living to please his family and live up to his father’s memory, and this time next year he will officially dedicate the rest of his life to S.H.I.E.L.D. and protecting the world. He deserved to do something just for himself for once. She was happy for him, really she was. She just had not taken the time to consider how much of a fixture he had become in her life. She had also not considered how much she was going to miss him. Suddenly a couple of months seemed much too long, and she bit the inside of her cheek to push back the annoying moisture before it could leave her eyes. She was not some silly sentimental girl. She could handle a couple of months without him. They were just friends. Best Friends. She did not need anything more from him, and she would use the time while he was gone to stop wanting more.

So she stood there on the platform next to him, as he shifted his bag to the other shoulder and rocked a little on his feet while the conductor called for boarding.

“So…. is it okay if I call you some while I’m gone?”

“Of course! Were you not planning to?”

“Yeah…i mean I was…i just thought I’d ask if you were okay with that….you know I tend to ramble and get on your nerves a little bit….and on the phone you can’t roll your eyes at me…I mean… you will, but I won’t be able to see it, so I’ll probably just keep rambling until you hang up and then…”

“Phil!”

“Right…rambling….sorry. I think it just really hit me how much I’m going to miss you.”

She was going to have a hole in her cheek if she kept biting it like that, but she could not cry right now while she told him goodbye. When she gets back to her apartment with a strong glass of something, she can cry then. She will not cry now. Instead she tried to deflect with a teasing tone to her voice.

“You’ll be so busy trying to find every Captain America exhibit, that you’ll hardly even think of me while you’re gone. I might have to call you to make sure you’re still alive and coming back.”

She thought she had pulled off the teasing tone when she saw him smile but his tone was anything but playful when he softly replied, “I always think about you Melinda, and I’ll probably drive you crazy calling you so much. You can feel free to send me to voicemail from time to time and listen to my recorded rambling at your leisure.”

“I’ll miss your rambling, Phil. If you call, I’ll always answer, because I’m going to miss you too.”

He looked surprised by that and went to say more, but the conductor called for a final boarding and she swallowed the lump in her throat as she realized their time had run out and it was time for him to go. She looked back at him to say a final goodbye, but found herself being pulled into his arms in a tight hug. It only took her a few seconds to wrap her arms around his back and press her face in that warm place between his neck and shoulder that she had spent far too much time imagining kissing. She breathed in deep as she tried to soak in and memorize this moment. As much as she wanted this moment to last, he was going to miss his train. He must have felt that too as he started to pull back. She sighed as he placed a soft kiss to her temple and told her to be safe and stay out of trouble while he was gone. In a moment of either boldness or straight stupidity, she stood on her tiptoes and placed a soft, chaste kiss on his lips as she told him to stay safe and come home soon. She blushed as he stared at her a moment seemingly shocked at what she had done, but whispered one more goodbye before turning and boarding his train.

She lasted until he disappeared in the train car before the tears started running down her face. She wiped them away quickly, embarrassed at the emotional display on the very public platform. When the older man a few feet away from her gave her a sympathetic smile, she had had enough and quickly turned and headed to her car. She was being ridiculous! He was only going to be gone for a couple of months, and she was turning this into a sappy hallmark movie scene. She had never cried over a boy before, not even in high school when she saw her boyfriend of two years kissing her friend at a party. Phil Coulson was not her boyfriend, and she was totally not in love with him! Well, maybe she was a little bit in love with him. As she pushed her way through the crowded station, trying desperately not to cry anymore, she finally conceded that the nagging, aching feeling proved she was more than just “a little bit” in love.

She sat in her car for a moment to allow her brain to catch up to what her heart had been telling her for months. He was clumsy, and dorky, and talked way too much. He rambled on and on about anything Captain America and was far too knowledgeable in random facts, but he was sweet, and kind, and his blue eyes and dimples gave her butterflies. This was so different from anything that she had ever felt before that she almost didn’t recognize it. Saying goodbye today it all finally clicked into place. She was in love with her best friend, and he had just left her for two months. She felt lost and empty in a way she had never felt before.

She wasn’t quite ready for that strong drink and empty apartment, so she drove around aimlessly for a couple of hours before heading home. She had just parked at her building when her phone rang. Her heart gave that silly flutter when she saw Phil’s name on the ID and she took a steadying breath before opening the phone and trying to sound normal as she said, “Wow Phil, miss me already?”  
“Yeah….actually I do. What are you doing?”  
“Sitting in my car…haven’t quite made it upstairs yet.”  
“oh yeah? Out partying and can’t quite make it up there?”  
“ha…well…it’s only 7pm so…that would be sad….”  
“true…but you’ve managed worse.” He teased  
“Hey!”  
“I can say these things, because I’m far enough away that you can’t beat me up.”  
“True….for now…but you’ll come back eventually….and I have a great memory.”  
“Have I mentioned how smart and wonderful you are lately? I feel the need to mention that…and you’re so beautiful.”  
“Uh huh….keep sucking up, Phil.”  
“I’m not sucking up….all those things are true.”  
“You think I’m beautiful?” She asked softly and her breathe caught as he paused and silence filled the line.  
“You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, Mel, no comparison.” He answered just as softly, and now it was his turn to hold his breathe while he waited for her to respond. He was beginning to think he had made her uncomfortable when she finally responded.  
“I didn’t think you noticed that kind of thing with me.”  
“How could I not? I didn’t think you wanted me to notice that kind of thing with you.”  
“How could I not?”  
“Well this sucks.”  
“What?”  
“I finally make a little progress out of the friend zone, and I just left for two months.”  
“Well…if it makes you feel any better…you didn’t make that much progress.” She teased.  
“Wow. Really, Mel? That’s because I wasn’t really trying before, but now I know you want me to.”  
“I never said I wanted you to.”  
“Ehh…..I kinda feel like you did….and it’s not really one of those things you can take back so…you should probably prepare yourself.”  
“ha…prepare myself?”  
“Yep…I’m a pretty charming guy and, dare I say, attractive in a less obvious kind of way. I’m not sure you’re going to be able to resist.”  
“hmm….I’m thinking I’ve seen what you've got Coulson…..and I’m not too concerned.”  
“ohhh….well. Now you’ve challenged me. Okay Melinda May. Challenge accepted.”  
“Go ahead and give it your best shot. I dare you.”  
“Well…..you just remember this moment so when you’re beside yourself in love with me you’ll remember that you asked for it. Crap….my phone is about to die. I’m sorry Mel, Can I call you again tomorrow?”

She tried to check her disappointment that their call was cut short, but wasn’t quite sure she managed when she responded, “Sure. Have a good night, Phil. Be safe.”  
“Goodnight my very beautiful, Melinda May. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

She wasn’t sure how long she sat there mulling through her thoughts. She missed him terribly, and her heart felt heavy from it; but Phil Coulson thought she was beautiful and she focused on that as she curled up on the couch. She put on an old Bond film, because Phil considered those classics and she missed him.  
Later, as she was settling into her bed and about to switch off her bedside lamp, she heard her phone buzz with an incoming message. Her heart jumped when she saw Phils’ name on the screen, and her smile was instantaneous as she read:  
“Roses are Red,  
Kevlar is black.  
You’re very pretty and  
I can’t wait to get back.”  
Her phone buzzed again with a follow up message:  
“That was cheesy…but you liked it.”  
She quickly replied, “No I didn’t”  
“little bit?”  
Her smile grew as she relented, “little bit.”  
“point one: Phil.”  
“Good night one point Phil.”  
“Goodnight beautiful Melinda.”  
Even though two months seemed insufferably long, she fell asleep with a full heart and a smile on her face.


	2. Day Two..

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit shorter, but wanted to break up the days a bit. You know...drag it out...

The next morning as she was returning from her run, she found a bouquet of flowers propped against her door. She pulled the florist card to find a simple question on the back:  
“Point two: Phil?”

She chuckled to herself as she walked into her apartment and set the flowers on the kitchen counter. He’s going to be disappointed that he’s putting in all this effort when she’s already in love with him, but she’s going to enjoy every bit of it. She smiled as she sent a simple text.  
“Thank you, two point Phil.”  
The response she received a few minutes later had her smiling all day.  
“Prepare yourself Melinda May. I’m just getting warmed up.”  
She was so in love with that dork.

Later that afternoon she looked up from the bag she was punching as Clint walked in looking very uncomfortable.  
“Everything okay, Clint?” She asked tentatively.  
“No.” He sighed. “I’m supposed to give you a message.”  
“what is…”  
“Please don’t interrupt. I need to get this over with.”  
She waited silently with a raised brow while he took a deep breath and kept his eyes on the wall behind her. He took one more deep breathe before slowly and awkwardly reading from the paper in his hand.

“i carry your heart with me(i carry it in  
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere  
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done  
by only me is your doing, my darling)  
i fear  
no fate(for you are my fate, my sweet) i want  
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)  
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant  
and whatever a sun will always sing is you”

She was trying very hard to hide the smirk behind her water bottle but was failing miserably.  
He shoved the paper at her as he rolled his eyes and said, “I suppose you know what that was all about?”  
“yep!”  
“Good. See you later, May.”  
“Goodbye Clint.” She said with a hint of amusement in her voice as he walked briskly from the room. She grabbed her phone to text Phil.  
“Really? Cheesy love poems is the best you can do?”  
She only had to wait a few minutes for his response, and she guessed he must have been waiting for her to mention his ‘gift’.

“The present, my dear, was not the poem. The present was the joy of watching Clint have to read it to you. I knew you’d enjoy his awkward rendition.”

That really had been fun to watch she mentally conceded. Oh this man knew her too well, and she decided to give him credit for it.  
“Point Three: Phil.”  
She didn’t have to see his face to know he was grinning like an idiot. To be fair though, she was too.  
“You’re going to be sooo in love with me by the time I get home.” He responded.  
It was all she could do not to tell him that she already was, but in the end decided that she was enjoying flirty, romantic Phil so instead replied, “ehh….we’ll see.”  
“Have a good day, Melinda.”  
“You too, Phil.”  
She tossed her phone back into her gym bag and carefully placed the printed poem in as well. She would never admit to liking something like that, of course no one would believe it anyway. She finished up her work out with that smile still on her face. She hoped two months would fly by.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poem is "I Carry Your Heart With Me." by E.E. Cummings.


	3. Day Three...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another short one....but the whole thing is finished so not going to drag it out too much.

It wasn’t flying by. It was taking forever. It was only day two of his dumb trip and she was over it and ready for him to just come home. The only thing that made it bearable was the constant attention Phil was giving her as he pursued her, and she pretended not to be falling for it. This morning when she had returned from her run she had found a cup of green tea instead of flowers waiting by her door. She smiled at the fact that it was still hot and knew he was familiar enough with her routine that he had planned the delivery for just before she would typically return. The idea that he knew her and paid attention enough to her schedule warmed her more than the tea.  
She managed to focus enough the rest of the morning to run the necessary errands and knock off her to-do list. She grabbed lunch with Maria who asked her why Phil had gotten her up at the crack of dawn to deliver tea to her door. She barely contained her smirk as she shrugged and suggested she just ask Phil. She changed the topic and finished her lunch and if Maria was still curious, she didn’t ask anymore questions about it. Now she was home and checking through her email when she saw something that made her laugh. It was an invitation to join the “Phil Coulson fan club”. She clicked the link and rolled her eyes at his antics. She clicked the ‘accept and join’ button before getting up to open the door for the Chinese delivery guy.  
She had just finished eating when her phone rang. She picked it up with a smile but tried to keep her voice neutral as she said, “Really, Phil? You created your own fan club?”  
“You can’t prove it was me.”  
“Yes I can…if it was someone else who made it in your honor, then surely they would have joined their own fan club. As it stands, I’m the only member.”  
“Well…it’s a very exclusive club…invitation only and all that. Couldn’t risk opening it to the public and over flood the site.”  
“uh huh…yet I’m the only one that was invited? Or am I just the only one who accepted?”  
“hmm…let’s just stop right there and talk about how you accepted.”  
She smirked and rolled her eyes. Of course he’s going to focus on that.  
“So…you are a fan! Gotta say….I’m not really all that surprised…I mean….I’ve got what? 5 points now?”  
“Four.”  
“I don’t know….I think creating a fan club which you eagerly joined gets me up to five.”  
“How about you tell me about your day?”  
“Concede that I have five points and I will.”  
“ughh….fine. You have five points. Now tell me what you did today.”  
“Well….I met this girl Audrey while I was out and she invited me to her rehearsal. She plays the Cello for the Portland Orchestra. She introduced me around to some of the other musicians so that was pretty cool.”  
“That sounds fun.” She said and tried to keep her voice even and nonchalant even though the idea of him spending the day with this girl made her heart clench and her stomach knot.  
“Yeah….she invited me to watch them perform tonight and hang out with them after, but I thought it best not to.”  
“Why didn’t you go? Sounds like it would have been fun.” She would examine why she was so relieved that he didn’t at a later time.  
“Ehh…I think I was kind of getting on her nerves.”  
“Were you rambling?”  
“Ha…probably…but I kept mentioning you a lot, and I think it was a little annoying after a while. She finally just asked me why I hadn’t brought you with me on my trip after the 100th ‘well this one time Mel said…’ comment. Plus I wanted to get back and call you before it got too late.”  
He had a girl obviously flirting with him all day and he had spent the day thinking about and talking about her. He wanted to get back and call her. Okay….her stomach was unknotting now.  
“Did you send her an invitation to your fan club before you said goodbye?”  
“Of course not! I told you it’s an exclusive club!”  
“How exclusive?”  
“A ‘One member only limit’ kind of exclusive.”  
Now her heart was unclenched and feeling very full.  
“So….other than joining a really awesome fan club….what have you been doing today?”  
She filled him in on her random errands and warned him that Maria may have questions for him.  
“How did you talk her into delivering my tea this morning?”  
“Oh…she owed me a favor…and I may or may not have a blackmail picture of her that I might have mentioned…”  
“Ha Wow! You blackmailed Hill for a cup of tea.”  
“Isn’t it a little impressive the lengths I would go to for you? You know….like bonus points impressive…?”  
“Hmm….i don’t know about that.”  
“Oh come on, Mel! I blackmailed Maria Hill so that you could have tea waiting for you when you got back!”  
“Uh huh…fine. You’re up to seven points.”  
“Wow! Blackmail got me two points?”  
“No, that only got you one. The other point was for turning down the Cellist.”  
“Oh…well that was the easiest point I’ve earned this whole time then. She did have a point though….I should have brought you with me.”  
Her heart flipped a little at that. She wished he would have asked her, but she knew why.  
“You needed some time for yourself, Phil. Who knows when you’ll get another opportunity like this to just do something for yourself. You deserve it, and I’m glad you’re doing it.”  
“Yeah….” He sighed. “but I really miss you.”  
She was glad that he couldn’t see the tears building in her eyes as she took a deep steadying breath and replied, “I miss you too, Phil. A lot.” She took another deep breath before changing to a more upbeat topic.  
“I watched Goldfinger last night.”  
“What? Without me? I’m going to need to update the fine print of this fan club.”  
“Ha…well….how about we watch it together when you get home?”  
“Deal!”  
They talked for a while longer, and she loved how easy it was to talk to him. Things were changing between them, but above all else he was and will always be her best friend. They talked like they’ve always talked, but she certainly enjoyed the flirting that was mixed in now. He made her smile and laugh, but it also made her heart hurt. He was still so far away. Seven weeks was far too long. She had to constantly talk herself out of booking a flight to wherever he was, and remind herself that she could handle it. It was getting harder to convince herself.


	4. Day Four....Five....and so on...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I let you sweat a little...but I didn't want to make you wait around forever" -Melinda May  
> But also...said by me....cause I finished it.

The next couple of days were equally slow. She was a little disappointed the next morning when she returned from her run to find nothing waiting at her door. That disappointment was short lived, however, as she finished dressing after her shower and heard a knock at her door. She opened it to find a young girl with a bag from her favorite deli down the street.

  
“Melinda?”

  
“yes.”

  
“Umm….I’m supposed to tell you that this isn’t late, because it was meant to be for after your shower…because you don’t like to be sweaty when you eat breakfast. I’m also supposed to tell you that you look really pretty, and you should totally go out with Phil.”

  
“I hope he gave you a big tip then.” Melinda laughed.

  
“Oh he did! He seems really nice too. You should probably give him a chance.” She said with a smile.

  
“You’re probably right. Thanks for breakfast and the advice.” She said as the girl started heading off. She closed the apartment door and grabbed her phone on the way to the table.

  
“Point 8: Phil.” She texted.

  
She laughed when she opened his text to find that he had sent a pic of himself holding a piece of paper with the words, ‘I’m on a roll’ written across it.

“Don’t get too cocky, Phillip.” She responded.

“Not cocky….just confident. Have a good day and think about the wise advice of the delivery girl!”

“Have a good day and be safe, Phil.”

That afternoon she had received an email from him which contained a few dozen pictures from his trip. On each and every picture, he had taken the time to write, "Wish you were here". This man was good.

The next day she had tea waiting by her door again and on one side of the cup it said, “To fuel your inner goddess.” But on the other side of the cup was written, “I hate you both. Love, Maria”. She just shook her head and made her way inside to get ready for the day.

The rest of the day was uneventful. She worked, trained at the gym with Clint, who still refused to speak of anything poetry related, and grabbed dinner on her way home. She had not gotten any surprises from Phil since her morning tea and tried not to be disappointed. She was sure he was busy and she really shouldn’t be expecting anything, but she had gotten used to the routine they had settled into that week. She grabbed her mail and started sorting through it as she walked inside. Her breath caught as she came across an envelope with her name written on it in an intimately familiar scrawl. She dropped her stuff on the kitchen table and decided dinner could wait as she opened his letter. She was expecting something silly or a Phil Coulson fan club follow up; but instead she found a list that made moisture well up in her eyes, and she blinked quickly to clear them so that she could read it.

Dearest Melinda,

  
I could list a million reasons why you’re the most incredible woman on the planet. I could also list just as many reasons why I adore you; but listing too many just reminds me why you’re so far out of my league, so I’ve narrowed it down to my top ten favorites.

10\. You are by far the most beautiful woman in the known universe.

  
9\. You could beat up anyone without any weapons or back up.

  
8\. You let me be myself around you….even if I’m a big dork and get on your nerves sometimes.

  
7\. You are the coolest, toughest, stealth ninja I’ve ever met.

  
6\. You have a big heart even though most people don’t get to see it like I do.

  
5\. You’re loyal, smart, kind, and really hot!

  
4\. You put up with and sometimes support my Captain America appreciation (not addiction)

  
3\. You are even cooler than Captain America (yes…I said it.)

  
2\. You’re the greatest best friend ever, and you ALWAYS have my back

  
1\. You mean everything to me

I miss you, Melinda…so very very much. I just felt the need to tell you a few of the reasons why.  
Please be mine when I come home.

  
Love,  
Phil

She wasn’t sure how long she sat there with tears streaming down her face. She was sure her dinner had grown cold, but she could hardly care. When she was finally able to wipe her eyes enough to be able to see, she picked up her phone and sent a simple message to Phil.

  
“One million points to Phil.”

  
She then carefully folded the letter and placed it on her bedside table to read over again before going to sleep. He was right…she should have prepared herself. He was very good at being the most romantic man on the planet and despite the fact that he was still so far away, her heart had never felt so full.  
When she returned to the kitchen she saw her phone lit up with a message from Phil.

  
“That one wasn’t for the points. Just wanted you to know. But…I’m also still keeping the points.”

  
She laughed and shook her head. Only Phil could make her laugh and cry at the same time. She had about an hour before his usual call time, so she grabbed a Bond movie and settled on the couch. By the time the movie was over, he still hadn’t called. She tried to rationalize it in her mind that he probably just got busy and lost track of the time. He certainly didn’t have to call at a certain time, but they had kind of fallen into a routine and it was almost forty-five minutes past the usual time. She told herself not to worry that something bad had happened, or some Cellist had made plans with him; but every passing minute made her chest feel tighter. Of course she could simply text him if she was that concerned, but she was determined not to be THAT girl. With that in mind, she put in another Bond film and decided that she was just going to distract herself and not care if he called or not. Who was she kidding? She was totally going to check her phone every five-seconds until she heard from him.

She had just gotten up to make a giant bowl of buttery distraction popcorn when she heard her phone signal a new text. The idea that it was a text from Phil made it a priority, so she paused her popcorn mission and grabbed her phone. Sure enough it was from him with a short message of, “Sorry it’s so late.”

  
She was confused for a moment until there was a soft knock on her door. She mused that the late surprise was probably linked to why he had not called yet, and she paused the movie and went to the door. When she checked through the peep hole, her heart started hammering in her chest; and she couldn’t get the door open fast enough. In her nervousness, she fumbled with the lock for a moment before finally flinging open the door and flying into his arms.

  
“Phil” she breathed into his neck as her held her tight.

  
“Sorry I didn’t call, but I wanted it to be a surprise. Hope it didn’t cost me any points that I was late for our nightly talk.”

  
Her heart was so confused that she wasn’t sure if she wanted to laugh or cry. Curiosity beat them both, so she pulled back enough to see his face and asked, “What are you doing here?”

  
“Traveling is overrated.” He shrugged as if that were answer enough.

  
“You’ve only been gone a week.”

  
“It was the longest week ever. I missed you and I just wanted to come home. That okay?”

  
Her face hurt with how big her smile was as she hugged him tight again and whispered, “Oh it’s more than okay, Phil. I’m so glad you’re home.”

  
Realizing they were standing in the middle of the hall, she pulled him into her apartment and over to the couch. His eyes flickered to the screen and then darted back to her with a raised brow and serious expression.

  
“Bond? I see someone did not read the updated fine print of the Phil Coulson Fan Club membership agreement.”

  
“Well.. if it was that important to you…” she replied “then you should have used bigger print.”

  
“hmm….fair point.” He conceded.

  
“You’re here now if you want to watch it with me. I just started it. Unless…you have to get going?”

  
“Are you kidding me? I’ve gone all week without seeing you. I’m not leaving until you kick me out.”

  
“Well then…” she said slowly as she settled into his arms to watch the movie “you can make me breakfast.”

  
She couldn’t see his face with her head resting on his shoulder as he held her close, but the sharp intake of his breath told her that she had accomplished what she wanted to. It took him a minute to gather his thoughts, but she could hear the smile in his voice as he said, “I make excellent pancakes. They’ll earn me major points.”

  
She smiled into his shirt and tightened her arms around him. She had never felt so safe and happy as she pulled the blanket from the back of the couch over them and whispered,

  
“Welcome home, Phil.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading! I was content to read all of your great stuff, and never had the desire to share any of my own. Thanks for the comments and encouragement, it's helped to give me the push to clear off my computer and move some of it here.


End file.
